Vol 6 Chapter 32

Kapros slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position, careful not to strain his broken finger. Je-hwan stiffly looked at him. It was time to act on the decision he had made to think properly. Scratching his head, Kapros wondered how Je-hwan would react to his conclusion.

"Honestly... even after hearing it, I still don't really understand if you love me or anything like that."

Je-hwan was listening to Kapros's words with unexpected calmness. Was this an 'I thought so' moment?

"I thought... you'd say that..."

Hmm, as expected.

"But you know what? I don't think I dislike you."

Je-hwan's expression changed to one of puzzlement at these words.

"If I imagine the situation with other guys pressing their lips against mine in the same way, I probably wouldn't have let it slide this easily. Just thinking about it irritates me, so it's not simply because it's the first time. So... I don't think I can just let this go, and that's why..."

Seeing Je-hwan's mouth hanging open, frozen mid-sentence at the increasingly unexpected words, Kapros calmly spoke his final words.

"What did you say earlier? You said you wanted to touch my entire body, right? If it's okay, you can try doing that. I'm curious to see how far I'm willing to accept you."

For a while, there was no answer. The face Kapros could barely make out in the dim light wore an expression that was hard to describe. He quietly closed his mouth and patiently waited for an answer.

After rubbing his face slowly up to his forehead a few times with one hand, Je-hwan finally looked at Kapros with the eye that wasn't covered, seemingly barely suppressing his bewilderment.

"Do you... know what you just said?"

Kapros returned the direct gaze without hesitation.

"I do."

"You're saying you don't understand my feelings, but my body is okay?"

Look at this guy. Putting it that way, connecting just the beginning and end, it made it sound like Kapros had spoken without any thought.

"You left out the middle. I didn't say this lightly either, so if you refuse, I won't ask again."

"I don't understand what kind of thinking led you to this conclusion."

"I told you. You telling me that you like me... well, I was grateful for that. But I don't know exactly what that kind of emotion is. I heard Min-hoo's explanation and listened to what you said, but it's still the same. The feeling of liking someone that Min-hoo described and the feeling you talked about are so different that I can't tell what it really means to like someone..."

Kapros paused for a beat, slightly moistening his dry lips with his tongue.

"I thought about it, and just like how everyone has different tastes, it seems that the feelings each person experiences as 'liking' someone take different forms. So, even though I haven't felt it yet, I thought maybe I also have my own way of 'liking' someone. When I considered what it might mean to like someone by my standards, I realized there was a recent event I could use for comparison."

Je-hwan seemed curious about what this event was, but Kapros didn't elaborate on it. The event he had in mind was his reaction to physical contact with others, which he had experienced more frequently recently compared to a few years ago.

Je-hwan, who was in front of him, had kissed him in MIST before, and after that, he had also kissed Kapros when he suddenly vomited last time. Thinking back on those times, Kapros realized he hadn't felt particularly bad about it, to a strange degree, which allowed him to treat Je-hwan normally the next time they met. Even though Je-hwan had suddenly dragged him into the house today and pressed his lips against his, Kapros didn't feel like getting angry even after just a few minutes had passed.

Wondering if this was his average reaction to physical contact with others, he tried imagining similar situations with different people. What flashed through his mind then was his first encounter with Jeong Seung-jo a few days ago, which had led to him being taken to the hospital.

At that time, in a situation that could be considered similar to now, Seung-jo had unexpectedly grabbed Kapros, knocked him down, and got on top of him. What had Kapros felt then?

'It's funny, but I thought I might die from being stabbed in the finger...'

When he was first pinned down, all he felt was intense anger and an urgent need to escape. Being choked probably made it worse... Even thinking about it now made him a bit angry. If there was another fight, he'd make sure to strike first next time, rather than being pathetically overpowered like this time.

'Wait. Why did my thoughts go there? Anyway...'

Although he felt a bit sorry for Seung-jo, if he imagined Seung-jo kissing him like Je-hwan had, he felt he would probably want to vomit as if he had committed incest with a sibling. He tried to replace Seung-jo with Min-hoo in his imagination, but he couldn't even picture it with Min-hoo.

Then he wondered how it would be with some other man he didn't know at all, but with a stranger, there would be no need to hold back when hitting them, so all that remained was a decisive blow. Thinking he might have limited his considerations too much to men, he tried imagining a woman kissing him, but it made him feel nauseous, like the night before an intense match, so he stopped.

It was around this time that Kapros seriously began to wonder:

'Could it be that only Je-hwan is okay?'

Perhaps this was the change in standards that came with his own way of liking someone? Was it okay to be certain based only on the acceptance of physical contact?

He had racked his brains hard, but he couldn't be sure. In fact, it might just be that he hadn't felt it yet, but if he ended up rejecting someone he actually liked more than he thought and later regretted it, that would be unpleasant too.

After thinking that far, Kapros had asked Je-hwan those questions, and while listening to the answers, he had solidified his conclusion that it might be better to experience it clearly once rather than uselessly racking his brains.

Yes, seeing is believing. Whether it was practicing kendo or studying, when he spent too much time worrying needlessly, it often led nowhere, but when he chose one path and pushed forward, even if he later judged his decision to be wrong, he had much less regret.